My flesh and my heart may fail,
But God is the strength of my heart and my portion forever.
Psalm 73:26
I don’t even know where to begin with this post. It’s a post
I never thought I’d be writing. It’s one I never wanted to write. But here I
am, writing it. And it’s hard to know what to say.
I’m back in South Carolina. Back from my assignment in
Zambia. And no, it’s not October 2014. It hasn’t been two years. And yet here I
find myself.
Let me start by saying this, the Lord is faithful. That I
know to be true. Though my heart and flesh fail, my God never will. I am
certain of that and confident in that.
My time in Zambia was the hardest six months of my life. I
am not saying in any way that every day was bad or even that every single day
was hard. There were many days
filled with joy. Constant laughs with three wonderful missionary children who I
grew to love deeply, who called me “Aunt Melanie,” smiles from four beautiful
Zambian girls every day as I pulled into the driveway, friendships, church
services full of the Holy Spirit. My time with the Lord during those six months
was more intimate and sweet than it has ever been as I had plenty of time to
slow down and really just sit with
God as He taught me what it meant to trust Him, depend on Him, and rely on Him.
I saw God move in some great ways among the Tonga people. In fact, I still see
Him doing some awesome things among the Tonga. I am trusting Him to continue to
work and move in big ways through the nationals and the missionaries that
remain.
And yet, I now find myself thousands of miles away from it
all. Like I said, it’s hard to know what to say. I can say this, I crumbled. I
fell apart. I fell into a really dark place. Like I said, my heart and flesh fail. And that’s all I know to say
that happened right now. I had a number of struggles on the field that
honestly, I'm not sure are really the general public’s business. Or at least this blog is not the place for them.
Maybe in the weeks and months ahead, I’ll have more words. Maybe this
is it. Maybe it’s one of those things where words aren’t really enough, because
it’s a deeply personal thing and I don’t have to have the words to explain it
because God knows my heart and understands. In the next week or so I will be posting some details about what's next and how God has completely humbled me with His faithfulness so far.
Healing will take time. On both sides of the world. But this
I know: God is the strength of my heart and my portion forever. And I can trust
Him. I can abide in Him. I can rest in His peace. He is faithful. He will heal.
Come, let us return to the LORD;
for he has torn us, that he may heal us;
he has struck us down, and he will bind us up.
Hosea 6:1
I know it's tough, but the Lord is for sure goods lady :)
ReplyDeletePraying for you and this situation. God is in, through, and above all.
ReplyDeleteI would like to know how to respond that would give some sense of comfort. I'm sorry? It will be fine?
ReplyDeleteI have no way of knowing what you went through to get you back to the US, but your decision had to have been best for you. And sometimes one must simply love themselves before they even can love others. You're back. Be happy. It's nice to have you home. You have seen real hunger and poverty. And, as you have written about so beautifully, you know that happiness doesn't depend on the worldly stuff.
I hope it goes well. Peace.
I hope that you aren't too hard on yourself. I hope that your experiences in Africa have made you a stronger, more worldly, more compassionate person. I sense that you will be less obsessed with the material world than most of us Americans. I'll bet that you will have a stronger sense of social justice and will truly work to make this world a better place.