Goodbye, 2013!

So I have been trying to write a post for today, the last day of 2013, for the entire month of December. And I've got nothing. I wanted to write a nice, this-is-what-2013-taught-me post that puts all of the ups and downs in a nice little package with a pretty bow on top. It became quickly apparent to me that wasn't going to happen. Some of the lessons, some of the scars, some of the joys, are just too fresh to put into a package.

I don't know what to say about 2013. It's my favorite and least favorite year of my life all at the same time. I split the year almost exactly in half on two different continents. My feet tread on Zambian soils for 181 days and walked on the streets of America for 184. Both places held great joys for me. There was also some deep darkness.

Had you told me on this day last year (my first day in Zambia) what this year would hold, I would have turned around and gone running the other way as fast as I could, thinking there was no way I could handle it. But in a way, I'm kinda thankful life doesn't work like that. There's some things you only learn by finding yourself in a valley so deep you can't see the mountain top at all. There's a sweetness in the journey of being carried out of that valley too. There's a beauty in being held by the Father when you're too weak to hold onto Him yourself.

That's about as deep or sentimental as I'm going to get today because that's where the words are stopping. Instead, here's some fun favorites from 2013:

My Favorites of 2013

Fiction Book: The Book Thief  by Markus Zusak

Non-fiction Book: The Knowledge of the Holy  by A. W. Tozer

Bible Verse: Psalm 97:5

Album: Take the World, But Give me Jesus by Ascend the Hill

TV show: Downton Abbey

Song: "How Great Thou Art" by Ascend the Hill

Blogger: Jen Hatmaker or Sarah Bessey (there's so many others I never miss a post from)

Restaurant: The Deli (Lusaka, Zambia)

New Skill: Driving a stick shift (while driving on the opposite side of the car and road)

Picture: 

Non-profit: Clothed in Hope

Kid Quote: "Miss Melanie, I was just so bored. I had nothing else to do." (reasoning for giving his twin brother a wedgie)

Note from a kid: "Miss Melanie You mak good love for me and my frends. We love you so mach. You are speshl to me. You mack my haret sooper happy!"

My most popular blog post: "My Flesh and My Heart May Fail" (by almost 300 views)

My personal favorite post: "He Allures Me Still"

Questioning, But Believing

Advent. Come Thou long expected Jesus.

For whatever reason, my heart and soul are really resonating with Advent this year. With the waiting. With the expectation of His coming. It’s like I can feel myself right there with those Israelites wondering if and when their King will come. I’ve been trying to figure out why it is that my heart feels so connected to Advent this year.

And then I realized, it’s because I understand waiting differently than I did this time last year or any year prior. About 6 months ago, I found myself waiting in a way that I had never waited before. Curled up in the fetal position on a concrete floor, Bible clung to my chest, I cried out to God and waited. And waited. And waited. I waited for God to remind me He was there. It’s weird and humbling and somewhat terrifying place to be—questioning if God is there but knowing in your heart that your only hope is that He is. Asking for faith to believe He’s there. And waiting for the faith to come.

I imagine that’s a little bit of what the Israelites felt as they waited for generations. Waited and waited for their Savior King to come. Questioning where God was, but believing He would come.

Because He’d always come. And He always will. And so in the waiting and in the doubt, there’s still this sweet assurance that He will come, that He is there even. There’s faith that He’ll give faith.

In the overwhelming darkness that still brings chills to my bones and causes my fingers to tremble, I knew He would come. I knew He would not leave me there. I knew His plan was for joy, not despair. I knew He would come. I even knew He was there though I could not see nor feel Him.

Because He’s always come. Because He came. Because He’s coming. Because He’s Emmanuel—God With Us.

Rejoice! Rejoice!

Emmanuel has come for Thee, O Israel!

And so this season, during this time of Advent, my heart understands waiting. My heart also understands the joy of His coming more deeply, because I know the joy that follows desperate waiting. My soul only understands a fraction of what the Israelites waiting must have felt like because I know He came. God came and dwelt among us in human flesh. He descended from His throne in Heaven and lived among us as a servant. He lived the perfect life we could not live, took on our sin and received the wrath of God, dying the death we deserved, and rose from the grave forever conquering sin and death.

I, unlike the Israelites, have the benefit of knowing He came. He came for them. He came for us.

And I can wait in faith that He will come again.