Just and Justifier

I've started and erased this post three times already. I very rarely do that. I'm more a write as it comes, read through it once, press publish type of blog writer. But the weight of this is just heavy. And I want the words to be right.

Because what I'm trying to write about here is the wrath of God. And how the wrath of God gives me greater understanding of the love of God.

You see, these past few weeks, mention the name of Jesus and tears will come to my eyes. Because I'm just so thankful. Thankful seems like a petty word here.

The reason for that increased thankfulness, the deepened, core-aching gratitude, is that I've been studying the wrath of God. Not purposefully. I did not set out into the Lenten season and think, "Hey, the wrath of God seems like a good place to start." Nope, not at all. But man, am I thankful that's where God led me.

Because as I read about the wrath of God, as my church family walks through it together on a Sunday, as my lifegroup presses into it on Wednesday evenings, this is what I've learned: I didn't need a Savior just from myself or my sin or hell. I needed a Savior from God. God doesn't just save me from my sin. He saves me from Himself.

Words fall so short.

You see, I think growing up in the south, growing up in church, it somehow becomes easy to think that God sending Jesus is what He should have done because it's what I know. It's easy to think that the cross is the only natural and logical response of God to sin. But it's so not. I think it also becomes easy to somehow make sin a lesser deal than it is when I know it's already covered by grace. But failure to give God glory, is not trivial, it is treason. Because of who He is. The worthiness and dignity of the one insulted determines the seriousness of the offense. And God is not a small Sovereign to offend.

And so God, being just, must punish the belittlement of His name. He must punish glory thievery.

Enter Jesus (and enter tears). Because Jesus, He doesn't just divert God's wrath. God's wrath didn't just go away because Jesus died on the cross. God's wrath isn't just withdrawn or cancelled because of Jesus.

No, God's wrath was fully and completely exhausted. It was spent. It was absorbed. And it was exhausted, spent, and absorbed on Jesus. Let that sink in. The wrath of God is due and just, and for God to remain just, it had to be spent, not just cancelled.

And so God did the most loving thing that could have ever been done. He poured out His wrath on Himself. Can you feel the weight of that? Can you feel the love in that?

God's demonstration of His love for us was the emptying of His wrath on Himself. In Jesus, He is able to be both just and the justifier (Rom. 3:26). What would have taking me an eternity to endure in hell, Jesus endured for me on the cross.

And so as Good Friday and Easter come, my heart aches, literally aches, with thankfulness. Oh, the love of God... deeper understood by the wrath of God.

Could we with ink the ocean fill

Or were the skies of parchment made

Were every stalk on earth a quill

And every man a scribe by trade

To write the love of God above

Would drain the ocean dry

Nor could the scroll contain the whole

Though stretched from sky to sky

Also, you are SO very welcome to join my church family at Finlay Park on Sunday for our Easter celebration. Seriously, come one and come all. 

By this everyone will know...

Sometimes the Church breaks my heart. Because sometimes I think the Church is such a poor reflection of Christ.

Last week was one of those weeks where the failures of the Church just seemed so blatant. The failures to love and treat others as humans, as people made in the image of God, were put on display for all the world to see. And the world was watching.

They watched as Christians ranted, raved, and screamed over World Vision's decision to employ people who are in same-sex marriages in their US offices. And they watched as people on opposite sides ranted, raved, and screamed that the other side would even dare rant, rave, or scream. They watched as people standing on both sides of that debate argued in 140 characters, in blog posts, on Facebook, and any other platform that would let them. They watched as so many sponsors ended their sponsorships--stopped providing for the basic needs of children-- that World Vision had to retract their decision, calling it a terrible mistake and asking for forgiveness.

And my heart shattered. It broke. Because last week, the Church was a terrible display of Christ. John 13:35 says, "By this everyone will know that you are my disciples, if you love one another." Last week, love was not the message sent by the Church. Words that were shared were words of hate, from both sides of the debate. One side called ignorant and worse; the other side called blasphemous and worse.

I'm not here to add to the debate; there are enough voices doing that. I'm here to say that the debate has gone too far when it is only filled with hate for each other. When hate is the message the Church sends out, we are wrong. Hate for others is not the message of Christ. Ever. If you love one another.  By this everyone will know... Love the "ignorant." Love the "blasphemous." Love everyone in-between.

I would say that irreparable damage was done last week. But I don't believe anything is irreparable when it comes to God. I pray He will redeem this... that as tempers cool, both sides would realize they didn't handle the situation with grace. I pray they would seek forgiveness from each other and that they could have healthy, gospel-driven conversation. May neither side count the other side as down-and-out or outside of God's ability to work. May both sides love. Because by this everyone will know.

Green Apple Jollyranchers, Paper Snowflakes, and Sunrises

I write the gifts. I write the graces. At the beginning of the year, I took on Ann Voskamp's Joy Dare. Count one thousand gifts, one thousand graces, in one year. Just write 3 gifts a day. I start my journal, covered in Zambian chitenge fabric, in the midst of a storm on January 1st. And I write:

1- rain pelting the roof
2- wind rushing through the trees
3- hum of electricity

All is grace.

26- lunch with Mrs. Bolte interrupted 1,000 times
27- outdoor recess after 3 stir crazy days indoors
28- green apple jollyranchers

All is grace.

66- a paper snowflake just unfolded
67- Christ gives me His righteousness
68- Christ gives me a new heart with new desires

All is grace.

100- the sunlight that shines through the bottom of the left living room window
101- freshly swept hardwood floors
102- conversations with kindergarteners in the morning

All is grace.

163- the way the sun's heat feels on the back of my legs through jeans
164- Sunday night dinners after Gathering
165- Girl Scout cookies

All is grace.

199- steam rising from a freshly poured cup of coffee
200- chargrilled chicken at dinner with new friends
201- sleeping in on a Sunday morning

All is grace.

214- a bird chirping, singing its song, in the morning
215- where the pale orange meets sky blue in the sunrise
216- a 30 minute nap after work

It's all grace. All of it. Grace pursues me throughout the day. Most days I find it to be true that I don't find the graces; the graces find me. All of it is undeserved. And as I count the gifts, even on the long days, the hard days, the "I-have-no-idea-how-I'll-make-it-through-tomorrow" days, I find counting the gifts, naming them for what they are, reminds me that grace is greater. More accurately, the Giver of the grace is greater and He's constantly pouring reminders of His greatness, pouring grace and blessings, into my life. Counting gifts every day reminds me, that "nothing can overwhelm me — like grace can overtake me" (Ann Voskamp). It shifts my focus. It sets my eyes on Jesus because it all points me to Him--"All things were made through him, and without him was not any thing made that was made" (John 1:3). Or how about, "A man can receive nothing, except it have been given him from heaven" (John 3:27)? Nothing, not even one thing, is received unless it has been given from heaven. It increases my faith. Ralph Waldo Emerson writes, "All I have seen teaches me to trust the Creator for all I have not seen." Living thankful builds trust in the Provider of the gifts. Even the counting of gifts is a gift--God's grace to me to reveal more of Himself to me. Truly, all is grace.

Why I Love Teaching Littles

Why do I love teaching? And why do I love teaching the little ones? There are so many reasons, but here are just a few:

Because oh, the potential. 
I see a TREMENDOUS amount of potential in each of my kids. The potential is in each of them to be people who make a difference in the world. And I believe wholeheartedly if that is spoken into their lives when they're little, if they're given opportunities to be named as and act as difference makers in the world when they 3, 4, 5, and on up, then they will believe it's who they are when they're older. And it is. It's exactly who they are. I see it in them every day.

Because I want them to fall in love with learning and thinking deeply.
I also believe wholeheartedly that if a child can fall in love with the wonder and joy of learning at an early age, it will stick with them as they grow up. If children learn to ask meaningful and critical questions, if they learn to ask the WHY instead of just accept that 2 + 2 = 4, then it sets them up well for the years ahead of them. The other week, one of my 2nd graders came up to me proudly and said, "Miss Melanie, I know how to divide." I said, "Oh really? Can you tell me more about that?" He responded, "Yeah, 200/200=1." And so I said, "That's awesome! But do you know why 200/200 is 1?" He shrugged his shoulders. So I pushed him because I knew he could handle it. "If you had 200 things and put them into 200 groups, how many would be in each group?" He responded, "One." "Exactly," I said, "that's why 200/200 is 1. If you take 200 things and divide them into 200 groups, there is one thing each group." As a first grader listened to this conversation she said, "Oh, I want to learn to divide too!" We spent the next 15 minutes using leftover AfterCare snacks to make division problems. ("Here's 9 snacks, could you put them into 3 equal groups?") Because it was fun. Because it was exciting to learn something new. Because there's joy in true learning. 

Because I believe that the earlier a child is exposed to developmentally appropriate learning and education opportunities the better.
Early exposure to books, writing, math concepts, science, and community studies through authentic experiences set children on the path to success. I believe every child I teach is already a reader, writer, mathematician, scientist, and social scientist. One of my favorite authors in the education world is Katie Wood Ray. In her book Already Ready, she writes, "What happens when adults really believe that a writer like Sean is the same kind of person as the most proficient writer, the same kind of person as Eric Carle, just with less experience?" (p. 6). As a teacher, it is my job to help children gain experience in being who they already are. Just like you, at your job: You are a ______. And everyday you gain more experience that helps you become a better ______. 

Because they give the best hugs.
Countless hugs every day.

Because they are hilarious.
I get to have conversations like this every single day: 
Me: Do you think I can just hide in one of your suitcases so I can go on the cruise too?
Boy: Then your legs would stick out and people would think you're a suitcase alien and throw you off the ship.
Me: Oh. Guess I'll just stay here then.

 

Memories, Wishes, and Goals (Kids Edition)

Happy New Year, everyone!

To kick off 2014 in aftercare, I made a simple handout for the kids to do today. Their responses were great. Some went the thoughtful route. Some decided to be a little more lighthearted. Some decided to make sure they made my heart smile.

Here's a little snapshot into the best of 2013 and what's ahead in 2014:

The two best things that happened to me in 2013:

--having a bunch of fun
--I went to Boston
--play with friends
--learn about sledding
--I got two new puppies
--presents!
--going to Washington
--swimming pool
--starting first grade
--getting to see Miss Melanie again (Yes, that made my heart melt just a little)
--going snowboard with my dad

My wish for 2014:

--get 50,000,000 rainbow loom rubber bands

--to go ice skating

--I wish I had a nerf gun

--to have more "electroniks"

--listen well

--I wish I had all the beys in the world

--watching mine craft

--I wish Miss Melanie is still going to be my teacher in "2th" grade (Ahhh... and it was a different kid.)

--1 billion rainbow loom kits

--that I had 100s toys at home

--I will become "famose"

Three goals for 2014:

--becoming class clown

--find my one path

--paying attention

--be nice

--spending time with my family more!

--I wish that I had new books

--read more books

--make more book

--dont get in trouble

--be nicer to my mom, dad, and sister

--My goal is to have fun.

--play in the snow if it snows

--write more books

--get better at snowboarding

--to do all of my chores

One thing I want to stop doing in 2014:

--being clumsy

--getting in trouble

--being "disrespekful"

--wearing sneakers

--doing homework

--math and reading

--being lazy

--be mad

--begging

--watching tv shows all the time

--going to bed late

Gosh, I love spending my days with these kids. They're the best. 

As for me, I decided not to do resolutions this year, but to pick one word to focus on for the year. Perhaps a theme, or a filter to see the world through in 2014. After much thought and prayer, I decided on faithful. My thought is to study God's faithfulness throughout the year and to also work on becoming more of a faithful person myself--more faithful to my relationships, my words, and of course, to God. I'm hoping this will be more meaningful, impactful, and lasting than my New Years Resolutions of the past that are usually forgotten by February 1st. Guess we'll see :)

Goodbye, 2013!

So I have been trying to write a post for today, the last day of 2013, for the entire month of December. And I've got nothing. I wanted to write a nice, this-is-what-2013-taught-me post that puts all of the ups and downs in a nice little package with a pretty bow on top. It became quickly apparent to me that wasn't going to happen. Some of the lessons, some of the scars, some of the joys, are just too fresh to put into a package.

I don't know what to say about 2013. It's my favorite and least favorite year of my life all at the same time. I split the year almost exactly in half on two different continents. My feet tread on Zambian soils for 181 days and walked on the streets of America for 184. Both places held great joys for me. There was also some deep darkness.

Had you told me on this day last year (my first day in Zambia) what this year would hold, I would have turned around and gone running the other way as fast as I could, thinking there was no way I could handle it. But in a way, I'm kinda thankful life doesn't work like that. There's some things you only learn by finding yourself in a valley so deep you can't see the mountain top at all. There's a sweetness in the journey of being carried out of that valley too. There's a beauty in being held by the Father when you're too weak to hold onto Him yourself.

That's about as deep or sentimental as I'm going to get today because that's where the words are stopping. Instead, here's some fun favorites from 2013:

My Favorites of 2013

Fiction Book: The Book Thief  by Markus Zusak

Non-fiction Book: The Knowledge of the Holy  by A. W. Tozer

Bible Verse: Psalm 97:5

Album: Take the World, But Give me Jesus by Ascend the Hill

TV show: Downton Abbey

Song: "How Great Thou Art" by Ascend the Hill

Blogger: Jen Hatmaker or Sarah Bessey (there's so many others I never miss a post from)

Restaurant: The Deli (Lusaka, Zambia)

New Skill: Driving a stick shift (while driving on the opposite side of the car and road)

Picture: 

Non-profit: Clothed in Hope

Kid Quote: "Miss Melanie, I was just so bored. I had nothing else to do." (reasoning for giving his twin brother a wedgie)

Note from a kid: "Miss Melanie You mak good love for me and my frends. We love you so mach. You are speshl to me. You mack my haret sooper happy!"

My most popular blog post: "My Flesh and My Heart May Fail" (by almost 300 views)

My personal favorite post: "He Allures Me Still"

Questioning, But Believing

Advent. Come Thou long expected Jesus.

For whatever reason, my heart and soul are really resonating with Advent this year. With the waiting. With the expectation of His coming. It’s like I can feel myself right there with those Israelites wondering if and when their King will come. I’ve been trying to figure out why it is that my heart feels so connected to Advent this year.

And then I realized, it’s because I understand waiting differently than I did this time last year or any year prior. About 6 months ago, I found myself waiting in a way that I had never waited before. Curled up in the fetal position on a concrete floor, Bible clung to my chest, I cried out to God and waited. And waited. And waited. I waited for God to remind me He was there. It’s weird and humbling and somewhat terrifying place to be—questioning if God is there but knowing in your heart that your only hope is that He is. Asking for faith to believe He’s there. And waiting for the faith to come.

I imagine that’s a little bit of what the Israelites felt as they waited for generations. Waited and waited for their Savior King to come. Questioning where God was, but believing He would come.

Because He’d always come. And He always will. And so in the waiting and in the doubt, there’s still this sweet assurance that He will come, that He is there even. There’s faith that He’ll give faith.

In the overwhelming darkness that still brings chills to my bones and causes my fingers to tremble, I knew He would come. I knew He would not leave me there. I knew His plan was for joy, not despair. I knew He would come. I even knew He was there though I could not see nor feel Him.

Because He’s always come. Because He came. Because He’s coming. Because He’s Emmanuel—God With Us.

Rejoice! Rejoice!

Emmanuel has come for Thee, O Israel!

And so this season, during this time of Advent, my heart understands waiting. My heart also understands the joy of His coming more deeply, because I know the joy that follows desperate waiting. My soul only understands a fraction of what the Israelites waiting must have felt like because I know He came. God came and dwelt among us in human flesh. He descended from His throne in Heaven and lived among us as a servant. He lived the perfect life we could not live, took on our sin and received the wrath of God, dying the death we deserved, and rose from the grave forever conquering sin and death.

I, unlike the Israelites, have the benefit of knowing He came. He came for them. He came for us.

And I can wait in faith that He will come again.